Trick or Treat Royale

“That must be them.  Four of them, yes, but they’re just sitting in their car.”  Quint whispered out the corner of his mouth, fixated at the peep hole.

“Excellent.”  Kearns adjusted his bow tie one final time.  “Go ahead to our Tech Chamber and I’ll handle their briefing.  I’ll alert you when it’s time for their phones.”

PART I – TRICK

“Kris, the last time we trusted you, we ended up with killer seats to a U2 cover band.”  Benoit adjusted the rearview mirror to his black Pathfinder so that his sarcastic words to Kris were garnished with eye contact. 

“I’ve apologized for that multiple times, Ben.  And if I recall, it was where the two of you became official anyway,” Kris quipped as he broke eye contact with the mirror and poked his head between the two front seats, giving a quick wink to Chloe in the passenger seat.  “Plus, I heard the real U2 shows suck now.  I did the four of us a favor.”

“I would hardly call $75 for cover band tickets a favor.”  Maggie powered her rear window the rest of the way up, but not before first making sure that Doobie’s nose was safely inside.  She offered him her last piece of turkey jerky.  Doobie swallowed it whole. 

“And don’t forget the deal you got us for the t-shirts after the show from that guy on the sidewalk,” Chloe chimed in before turning to face Kris.  “That guy smelled so bad.  I had to wash that shirt as soon as I got home because I swear I could still smell him throughout the whole house.  Only shrunk like 3 or 4 sizes!”

“I ended up using mine as part of Doobie’s Halloween costume last year.”  Maggie scratched behind her shepherd’s ear and whispered into the other.  “You are so much cuter than the real Edge, but you were still a bad boy for eating those shades!”

“At least he didn’t eat your chocolate.”  Benoit’s tone had been terse since they’d left.  “Seriously Kris, what kind of scam did you sign us up for this time?” 

Benoit had manually engaged the 4WD miles ago, ever since they turned off Route 219 and away from the 3-light metropolis that was Bradford, Pennsylvania.  The needle’s collapse toward E was nearly complete.  He and Chloe were not at the joint account phase of their relationship (yet) and Maggie spent all of her dog walking money on gullible pet owner gimmicks.  Kris had sorted the AirBnB for this weekend, so Benoit was in no position to be hat in hand.  He adjusted the bowler on his head anyway and powered off his SUV before turning toward the back seat, sans rear-view mediator, when Kris piped up first.

“Are you gonna be like this the whole weekend Benny?  I told you guys last night when we were playing pool, it was some sort of flash deal through AirBnB.  The listing said no charge if we lived less than 50 miles from the mansion.  Some sort of local business initiative or something.  We just have to pay the AirBnB service fee and I already took care of it.  I just took it out of Doobie’s treat funds.”  Kris grabbed a handful of fur under the dog’s neck.

“So did you check about bringing Doobie?” Maggie asked for the third time since lunch.

“What are they going to do?  Add a hidden fee? It’s free, Maggie.  They’re obviously hurting for business and if they fuss, we’ll just say she’s your service dog.”

“So that’s a no.  Kris, damnit, it was the only thing I asked before agreeing to come.  Why do you always pull this kind of shit?” 

“Oh my god Maggie, I didn’t pull anything.  Can we please just get out?  It’s a real creep move to sit in someone’s driveway like this.  Plus, the sooner we get the marketing research I agreed us to out of the way, the sooner we can get to partying.”  Kris reached into his backpack and pulled out a glass bubbler.  The other three immediately craned their heads toward Kris.  Even Doobie gave him some side eye.

“Marketing research?!?”  All three in accusatory unison.

“You guys are like if iTunes Terms & Conditions was a person.  Lighten up, it’s a free vacation!”  Kris put his bubbler away before exiting the vehicle.  Moments later the other three followed. 

They hadn’t knocked yet but the door creaked open anyway.  They were welcomed by a frail looking man, seventy-five at least with brittle white hair shaped like a gordian knot of fishing line.  His neck was mostly loose skin and sun spots.  A wildly pronounced overbite and unorthodox accent made him difficult to understand. 

“Good evening ladies and gentleman.  May I begin by thanking you for choosing to spend your weekend here at the Silver Stake Mansion.  Are additional trips to your vehicle necessary or is this everything?”  As the man surveyed them, his eyes widened and stopped at the shepherd.  “I’m sorry but the listing was very clear about pets.”

“Kris!”  All three in accusatory unison.

Kris, startled at both their tone and their impromptu organization, sputtered in flustered bursts.  “This isn’t just any dog sir.  She’s working.  Service animal.  Ain’t that right Doobie?”

The old man stared at Kris in mild disgust before allowing his gaze to settle back on Doobie and the bungee cord of drool stretching from his snout toward the floor.  Now it was full disgust.  His cloudy eyes then squinted at Maggie.

“I have anxiety,” Maggie blurted.

“Excuse me?”  the old man replied.

“My dog.  Anxiety.”

The silence lingered until the awkwardness likely gave them all anxiety.  The old man gave an odd glance to something just above the entryway frame before he creaked the door open the rest of the way, gesturing for them all to enter.

While the outside of the mansion had been significantly faded and worn compared to the website pictures, the inside was gloriously pristine.  The grand staircase dominated the space just inside the entryway, its handrails comprised of pure marble resembling the color of bone.  There were four hallways, two stretching from the base of the stairs to either wing of the mansion and two more matching them upstairs.  The far wall opposite the entrance extended toward each end of the mansion like an exotic bird stretching its shoulders to show off its wingspan.  Nearly every free lot on the wall’s available acreage was occupied with a mounted set of antlers, some reaching lengths of mature corn stalk.

Chloe craned in awe at the gigantic crystal chandelier lording over them.  She made a note in her phone reminding her to buy Benoit’s Christmas present.  He was going to love Phantom of the Opera.

Kris brushed past the old man and bounced up the steps to the main landing, neglecting to finish climbing the rest of the winding stairs but instead turning to take out his phone.  He began recording and narrating to no one in particular.

Doobie took four or five steps before halting to pee on the natural stone floor.  Maggie whipped her dog-walking fanny pack out of her bookbag and removed a stain kissed rag before dropping to her knees and cleaning the mess.

Benoit never took his eyes off the old man.  “Is my Pathfinder alright where it’s parked?”

“Oh, young man, your vehicle is exactly where it’s supposed to be.”

Benoit hardened his gaze.  “And where exactly are you supposed to be while we’re here?”

“I won’t be far young man.  In fact, if you’ll do me the favor of lending me your car keys, I’ll see to it that it’s washed while you’re here.  These muddy unfinished roads leading to our property can be quite hazardous to a car’s beauty.”  The man stuck out his hand.  Benoit looked at it and then up at Kris.  Kris pressed stop and put his phone back in his pocket. 

“You don’t have to do that sir.  We go off roading all the time.  But thanks for the offer.”  Kris rushed back down the steps as he spoke, two at a time.

“I insist.  And please don’t call me sir.”  He paused.  “You may call me Kearns.  Now, the keys of course.  We keep a petrol reserve on the premises, I might add.  Car detailing at the Silver Stake has always included a complimentary tank of gasoline, a policy of pride that’s nearly as old as the Spanish Flu.”

Benoit softened his scowl at Kris and adjusted his bowler hat.  Chloe spoke up, still admiring the chandelier while taking pictures of it.  “It could use a wash.” 

Benoit still wouldn’t budge.  Kris and Chloe glanced at one another before Chloe broke the silence again.  She stepped toward Benoit and reached into his pocket, withdrawing the keys and handing them to Kearns.

“We won’t be going anywhere any time soon anyway.”  Chloe bumped Benoit’s shoulder with her own.  “Which way to our bedrooms Mr. Kearns?”

“It’s just Kearns.  And I’ve arranged four bedrooms for your stay.  The other bedrooms are not to be disturbed.  You’ll find each of yours at the furthest ends of the four hallways.  The doors will be unlocked.”

“I’ll take downstairs.  Doobie hates steps and those ones look slippery,” Maggie said.

“I’ll take the other one,” Kris interjected.  “You two can have the entire upstairs to yourselves.  You can be as loud as you want.”

At this remark, Kearns stiffened.  He adjusted his bow tie with his left hand while he stashed Benoit’s keys in his pants with the other.

“I’m amenable to your anxiety repelling hound.  However, I must be firm when it comes to the bedrooms.  Four bedrooms for four occupants.  These arrangements were deliberate.  I must insist.”  Kearns again stole an odd glance to the negative space above the front door.

Doobie barked.  Maggie crouched next to her.

“Seems like an odd detail to be deliberate about.  Even Doobie thought it was weird, didn’t you?” Maggie spoke into the dog’s ear, but all eyes were now on Kearns.

Kearns took a deep breath and cherished the tension that had blossomed.  He’d rehearsed this part many times.  No, that wasn’t what gave him pause.  He took a quick moment to selfishly congratulate himself.  These four would be perfect.  Their sorry excuse for a leader was just that.  Sorry.  Nothing but a waste of good genetics.  Tall, blonde and muscular was the perfect patsy though.  He was attractive and likable, but those hawkish dark eyes.  Most would find him easy to hate if their first impression was a mugshot doused in sinister context.

The other one, his short little friend.  He’s got accomplice written all over him.  Even looks like a soldier, right down to the vacant look on his face that romantics always describe as a distant gaze.  Anyone will believe little beta was just following orders from his alpha friend.

His obnoxious girlfriend won’t be a problem.  She could get under the fresh skin of a snake and that’s before she starts speaking.  Quint will likely have to be the most diligent with her phone, however.  Kearns liked her the least.  Shame on the father that allowed her to flourish into something so unbecoming.  

Which only left the overgrown child and her wretched mutt. She could be an issue.  There was a naivety about her so glaring, even a rap sheet couldn’t tarnish the shine.  The court of public opinion would never place her at the scene of a crime and that damn dog might cauterize any holes that reasonable doubt could poke. Not to mention Quint’s juvenile allergies.

“While the purpose of your trip may be recreation, for us, ahem me, it is ardent marketing research.  We have big plans for the Silver Stake mansion and making sure our accommodations are second to none is integral to those plans.  In the morning, we will require testimonials from each of you detailing your experiences in each room, both the positive and the negative.  And then once again Sunday morning after having spent a full day and night on the premises at large.  So you see, joint occupancy will not be an alternative, as the four bedrooms selected for you are catered to our business requirements as much as they are to your pleasure.  And by pleasure, I mean sleep.”  Kearns did not wait for a reply before he retreated to the front door.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I will see to your vehicle’s detail.  And perhaps when I return I’ll see to the kitchen about any leftovers.  Your dog looks hungry.  Does he like Wienerschnitzel?”

“I’m not sure, he’s never had it before.  Can dogs even eat that?”  Maggie took out her phone and began to google, but Kearns was outside and shutting the front door behind him without bothering to stick around for his answer.

“Kris, what kind of vampire website did you use to book this place?”  Benoit took off his bowler as soon as the door closed and ran his fingers through his hair.  Chloe waited until he finished and then reached up for the last few adjustments.

“He definitely gives off pervy vibes.  And he clearly doesn’t like me.  Or maybe he’s just jealous.”  Chloe kissed Benoit on the cheek and then did her best Kearns impression, right down to the overbite.  “I’m going upstairs to check out our room.  Excuse me!  Our rooms!  The arrangements were deliberate!”

“Guys, I didn’t want to say anything while Count Fossil was here, but I’ve never seen Doobie act like that before.  She hasn’t peed in the house in years.  Should we be worried?”  Maggie stuffed the urine rag back into her fanny pack.

“Terms & Conditions.  All three of you.  Lighten up.  Maggie, it smells like they haven’t opened the windows for months in this place. Doobie probably thought we were still outside, between the stone floors, the deer morgue canvassing the walls and the whole place smelling like moss.”  Kris took his phone back out as Doobie perked up at the word deer.  “I’m heading to my room too.  Plus I need to make sure that bubbler works, y’all are free to help.  Otherwise let’s meet back here in like 15 minutes.”

Twenty-five minutes later, Doobie and the gang were settled into the library, a relatively small room given the scope of the mansion.  There weren’t many books in it; mostly candles that had never been lit and on the lone desk, large reams of paper that were hole punched but not bound.  Most of them were covered in scribbles and languages that none of them could recognize, much less read.  The mossy smell that permeated the halls was strongest in this den.

Kris was about to go scavenging for cigarettes when Kearns appeared like an apparition at the entry door to the library. He was wearing different clothes now.  The bow tie and jacket were gone and in its place a cashmere sweater with lingering creases, its entire life spent folded up in darkness no doubt. 

Kearns handed the key fob back to Benoit. 

“You’ll forgive me, as I haven’t had the need to drive a vehicle in quite some time.  But I was unable to start your Nissan.  Perhaps there is some sort of youth enabled deterrent of which I’m unaware?”  Kearns feigned his best smile.  “I used our cannister to fill up your tank with petrol, but I was unable to provide our signature detailing as the hose doesn’t reach our driveway.”

“That’s alright, she can be moody.  And thanks for the top off.”  For the first time that day, Benoit’s words were absent their venom. “Didn’t really see the point of cleaning her anyway, since we’re going to be taking the same dirty roads when we leave Sunday morning.”

“And don’t forget that bridge that got destroyed by the tornado.  You promised we’d go see it tomorrow.”  Chloe patted the empty seat next to her as she spoke, beckoning Benoit.  “Last time I was there was when I was little with my mom and my sister.  We walked the whole thing from one side to the other.  It’s going to be so weird to see it all destroyed.”

Kearns bristled but said nothing.  They wouldn’t be going anywhere until his mission was complete.  He asked them all about their morning beverage preferences instead and excused himself to the Tech Chamber for a chat with Quint.

~~~

“Quint.  Update please.” Kearns offered an extra dose of shove to the hinges so they’d sing a little louder than usual when he slammed the door.

Quint snapped to attention and removed his ear bud.

“So far so good.  I was able to get three of their passwords through the CCTV.”

“The yes man in the bowler hat doesn’t seem as tethered to his as the others.  If he doesn’t unlock it under your Eye in the Sky then I’ll take a magnet to it once they’re all asleep.  He won’t suspect anything nefarious.  Far too dim.”

“How will you get it?”

“The hedonism was unmistakable between him and his lady friend.  They’ll no doubt be visiting one another during the night.  I practically dared them to, and while they’re paying attention to their juvenile impulses their phones will be unattended.  Apex predators prefer separation from the herd, Quint.”

“Unless they’re using them to film.”  Kearns only furrowed his brow at Quint’s remark, likely having no idea what he meant, so he continued.  “All iPhones, all the latest models.  Should be easy to clone.”

“Of course, only the best technology for the unemployed youth in a recessed economy like Appalachia.”

“How are we handling the dog?”

Kearns stiffened his posture.  “Leave that to me.”

“It’s not a phone you can sideline with a magnet or a key fob you can disable.  You planning to distract them with another free tank of gas?  If you poison that dog, it’s going to raise red flags or draw unnecessary eyeballs.”

“And should I leave you and your childish allergies to handle it?”  Quint sighed and shoved his ear bud back in as Kearns sniped further.  “When you have the girlfriend’s phone, please inspect it for lewd photos.  With the way she acts toward him around company, I’m certain there’s pictures on there she wouldn’t want to see the light of day.  Could be useful if this ends up going to trial and we need an ace up our sleeve.  Now if you’ll excuse me.” 

Kearns checked his appearance in the reflection of one of Quint’s monitors and coughed, straightening his sweater.

“Poison leaves a trail.  Sedatives don’t.  Only an amateur would suggest it.” Kearns took a few steps toward the exit of the Tech Chamber before halting. “It was your responsibility to snare four candidates only.  Your vague listing and childish grasp of the language is why the dog is here.  So let’s not forget who is jeopardizing this operation.”

Quint watched Kearns shut the door before returning to the streaming videos on the monitors in front of him.  The boy in the bowler hat was standing at the window by the front door, pointing his fob at his Pathfinder, ostensibly trying to figure out why his vehicle was not responding.  Replicating the key using their soap kit had worked just fine in the past.  Replacing the fob’s battery with a dead one would only buy them time. This plan was already falling apart. 

The four patsy’s spent most of their Saturday afternoon mocking Kearns.  Of this he was certain, as the smell of marijuana draping the halls was the only thing less subtle than their snickering every time he entered a room they occupied.  The blonde woman even tried to sneak a picture of him while he was collecting their empty lunch plates.  Kearns said nothing and secretly welcomed the rude behavior, relishing the joy in knowing that her photo would only remain in the clone’s camera roll, nowhere to be found once the original was returned to her Sunday morning.  Their behavior made it all the more easy to ignore the inevitable empathy when this was all over.  Plus being stoned made all four of them far less likely to notice their phones being switched out anyway.

“Quint.  Update please.”  Kearns handed the fourth and final phone to Quint before fixating on the camera showing Maggie & Doobie.  Despite the dungeon having no windows, the permeance of the thick mountain air found its way to their discreet little workshop, leaving the stone walls damp to the touch.

“I couldn’t even tell on the surveillance that you got his phone.  Pretty slick for such an old man.  Still need the password.”  Quint removed his ear bud.

“Perhaps you should spend less time on your insults and more time monitoring.  I coerced him into taking it out when he was fiddling with his key fob after their dinner.  You would’ve had a clear shot.”  Kearns licked and rubbed the arm of his sweater, a stubborn stain mocking him.

Quint cycled through his footage until he found what he needed.  He clicked away on Benoit’s phone while readying the dummy clone next to it.

“Have the others started using the clones?”  Kearns remarked through his teeth while stealing one last glare at his stubborn stain.

“Only the girlfriend.  She texted her mother before lunch and then opened the News app.  Would assume she’s just been scrolling.  Our A.I. software responded as Mom and she read it with no follow up, so things should be working.”

“Excellent.”  Kearns grabbed a chair and sat next to Quint, now focusing on a feed with only Kris in the frame.  He was staring at a taxidermic black bear as if it were speaking to him.   “Nothing from him?  Surprising.”

“He hasn’t made any outgoing requests.  In fact, he hasn’t even connected to our Wi-Fi mesh.”  Quint smirked and shook his head.  “Do you want to see his phone?  His entire camera roll is just selfies and pub entrees.”

“I care about neither his nutrition nor his self-portraits Quint, I care about his inability to create an alibi.  So your A.I. software is live and reliable then?”

“It’s been ready since they arrived and worked fine with the Mom text.  Any phone calls they try to make won’t go through because of a weak signal and as long as they’re communicating with contacts in their phone, our A.I. will construct an answer based on all previous messaging as well as any personality driven content on social media.  Any internet activity stays on our local servers on our closed circuit network.”

Quint reentered Benoit’s password into the clone phone just to make sure it worked before passing it off to Kearns to return.  He pointed at the feed to Benoit’s room.  “His bed is still made from last night.  Look over here at her feed and I don’t see either of them there or in the banquet room where they had lunch.  At least not any more.  My guess is they’re both in the shower, but it’s just a guess.  You need to hurry up.”

PART II – TREAT

“Quint.  Update please.”

“You know as much as me now.  Still waiting on our team to return and dead drop their phones.”

“These kids will be awake any minute.  For God’s sake, how long does it take to toss one room in one building?  Any chatter on the news or online?  Are you monitoring for when the Sunday paper hits?”

Quint chuckled, no doubt amused by Kearns’ obsolete naivete.  “Just because they’re late doesn’t mean something went wrong.  Have faith.”

“Quint, the Crime Carnival did not gift me the Silver Stake because of my faith.  And until our squad confirms from their mouth to my ears that the FBI evidence locker has been swept and our rifles have been recovered, then you’ll excuse me if I choose to clutch the airway in your neck instead of a rosary.”

“Let me worry about them.  You just worry about how you’re going to slip those phones back in their rooms without them noticing.  My god the girlfriend might as well draw up a prenup with her phone she fondles it so much.”

“Yes, I agree.  She really threw a tantrum yesterday when they couldn’t get that rusty truck of theirs started.  I suppose I should be more amenable to your model of faith, as I don’t know what would’ve happened if they hadn’t received those flood warnings on their phones due to the thunderstorms in the area.”

“That was me sir.  Our software.  The fake alert, the abrupt change to the weather app’s forecast, everything but the clouds outside.”

Kearns stared at him, perhaps for the first time recognizing that his people skills were no longer the fulcrum on which their two man team relied.  Quint had always been a formidable second in command, but this operation had been his from the jump.  And it seems only Kearns was unaware. 

Silver Stake suddenly felt more like a retirement home than an office.  Kearns was just about to inform Quint this was to be his last excursion before Quint jumped out of his chair and pointed at his personal cell phone.

“There it is sir.  Team’s back.  They’re parked at the service road entrance.  No punctuation in the text, so it was a success.  I’ll tell them to leave all four phones at the dead drop.”  Quint, now beaming, glanced at his hive of monitors.  “Sunrise won’t be long and the gabapentin must be wearing off because the dog is starting to stir, so I’m guessing that girl won’t be too far behind.  Better make her stop number one.”

Kearns grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and dumped the rest of his coffee into the drain in the middle of the stone floor.  He placed the cup next to Quint and grabbed a flashlight off the shelf next to the doorway.

“And don’t forget to put a good battery back in the key fob!” Quint whispered as loudly as he could before the door shut behind Kearns.

~~~

Article from the Bradford Era:

Another big crime in our small town.  For the third time in eighteen months, an overnight break in has occurred at the new Federal building, leaving yet another disturbing black mark on an administration full of missteps.  Unfortunately, the same rumors that accompany crimes of this scope and magnitude have not made an exception for our peaceful Christian town, as Captain Chilton Jr. of the Bradford Police Department confirmed before leaving the crime scene Sunday morning that suspected members of the Crime Carnival would be questioned (if located).  Chilton Jr. declined further comment in regards to what specifically was stolen or destroyed at the building recently revealed to be the FBI’s northwest Pennsylvania base of operations, a facility whose construction (and state of the art alarm systems) were subsidized by the residents of McKean County.  The captain later amended his response by confirming that no weapons were stolen.  The suspects remain at large.

~~~

Article from the Bradford Era:

The prosecution team suffered a major setback today in what is already being coined the “Ruh-Roh moment” to the Attorney General’s re-election bid during the ongoing “Scooby Doo” trial, when the defense team presented GPS data found in the Geo-Collar of Doobie, a German Shepherd mix belonging to Margaret Klein.  Klein, 18, along with three friends were arraigned and detained nearly four months ago on a multitude of federal charges for breaking into a Federal Building, as well as tampering with & stealing Federal evidence, crimes that upended at least 15 ongoing investigations, including over 10 with Crime Carnival connections.  According to Raymond J. DiCarlo, Esquire, all four defendants were lured to the Silver Stake Mansion under the false pretense of a duty-free weekend getaway, where their phones were somehow confiscated by a still-at-large team of criminals before allegedly committing the crimes in question.  The resultant GPS data in their phones and lack of alibi for all four defendants was the prosecution’s foundation for incriminating them beyond reasonable doubt.  That is until today, when the defense’s submission of a GPS Activity report generated by data tracked within the Geo-Collar exonerated Klein and likely her travel companions.  A search warrant executed three months ago for the Silver Stake’s hard drives yielded data that corroborated the locations of Klein via Silver Stake routers obtained, Klein’s phone via the prosecution’s cell phone tower report in Exhibit C, and now Klein’s dog Doobie through the Geo-Collar GPS report.  While the prosecution has been adamant that this young team of ‘criminals’ with no prior record left the dog behind to commit their crimes before returning to the Mansion in order to corroborate the eyewitness testimonial of the lone security guard, they must now overcome the latest bombshell:  Maggie & Doobie were together during the time in question.  Closing arguments begin on Thursday.  The Attorney General’s office has not responded to multiple requests for comment.