The Late Train to Gipsy Hill

Written by Alan Johnson & Reviewed by Detective Druski

In short, this is a fun story with far too many Russian pawns and a real dud of a climax. The last three chapters really undermined what had been a fun romp. 

Denis Smolnikov, director of CSKA Moscow, is meeting with three other Russians at the Strand hotel in Chelsea. He dies of poison after six days, the poison most likely meant for Igor Golovin, a human rights activist at odds with the Kremlin.

Smolnikov is shown earlier at the Chelsea game in Roman Abramovich’s owner’s box, chatting with his assistant Miranchuk about the poison they assumed they put in Golovin’s coffee. They are concerned about a rival named Bratya that runs rogue KGB agents in London.

Gary, meanwhile, is a 23 year old living in Crystal Palace that larps as Jimmy Stewart in North by Northwest for this story.  He fawns every morning for some girl on a train that applies her own makeup during the morning commutes.  His father is absent and unaware he has a child.  The chapters about Gary are painfully dull and belong in a young adult romp.

Miranchuk visits Grigory Sidrenko in soho and they discuss Smolnikov’s deteriorating condition. They discuss the Krovnyye Bratya (KB) role in managing the police as well as Moscow. And Miranchuk is having an affair with Sidrenko’s wife Maria.  This book relies heavily on the relationships within the crucible of the Russian contingent to power its plot, yet tells the story through the lens of boring ass Gary.  More or less the only major gripe until the last three chapters of the book.

Gary goes to work but makeup chick is not on the train. His boss that he’s into asks him to visit her flat to fix some electrical crap. Finally, something interesting involving Gary.

Gary’s mother Rachel is at work as a dental assistant. Her boss, likely sick of her whining, offers to pay a detective to track down Gary’s father. Then the book abruptly switches mid chapter to Sergei Dzyuba, an ostracized Russian journalist living in the embassy in Holland. He was one of the four at the poisoning and is now being accused of poisoning Smolnikov. He talks to cops then gets sick himself and goes to ER. So either the cops poisoned him for being a loose end or the coffee in the prologue wasn’t the (only) poison present. And unless there was a printing error or Sergei is somehow the mystery father, (spoilers: he is not) then the mystery of the abrupt change in POV will likely never be solved.

After a few drinks one evening before going home, Gary sees the woman on the train. He sits next to her, she writes HELP ME with her mascara on her mirror. They de train together to ditch two men that were following her.  Morozov and Miranchuk are the two men. Fun. They message KB for assistance. Make up girl is apparently a waitress at the Strand and may know something about the poison so Moscow wants her. The two thugs are sheepish because they disappointed their boss Sidrenko. But luckily for them Gary dropped his boss Ms Kelsey’s card in the kerfuffle, so they have a lead… Is there a Mt Rushmore in England for this story’s climax?

Smolnikov is now dead and London authorities believe Igor Golovin was the intended victim, one of the four, along with Smolnikov, Miranchuk, and the journalist Sergei at the Strand that night. Authorites and KGB are currently searching for Arina Kaplin, a Ukrainian waitress they believe is here illegally.

Gary and Arina stay in a hotel. She knows she’s in danger and wants to visit her friend Victor who promised to always be able to help her if needed by returning her to Ukraine with no passport. Gary insists on accompanying and they find Victor killed with a KB note near him. Glad to see the stories finally converging because they are not engaging enough on their own.

Detective Mangan is a divorced mother of two and she wants this waitress before the Russians get a hold of her. Gary and Arina go back to his place and she changes her appearance and pretends to know Gary from work when the roommates arrive. They watch the news and learn of Smolnikov’s death.  They agree Gary is to go to work in the AM to minimize suspicion. As Gary leaves, his flatmate Melissa is kidnapped by a car of Russians but Gary and his other roommate Knuckles manage to stop it. Gary hustles back to his flat to see Arina is gone…

Arina witnessed the attempted kidnapping and fled home. She retrieved some crap in black cloth before a Russian intrudes. Arina clocks him with a claw hammer and bolts. Gary thinks she went to embassy so he heads there.  Arina and Gary arrive at the embassy just as Russians attempt to apprehend Gary. Arina sees this and abandons her free passage to safety to save Gary with a gun she conveniently retrieved. She also kneecaps the one guy and shoots out a tire with her Glock 22. Awfully impressive for a waitress. They flee in the red delivery van she borrowed from the assailant earlier.

Ok, fun wrinkle in chapter 20. Gary decides to bring Arina as his girlfriend to his mother’s as a safe house under the guise of his monthly visits. Also his mom Rachel has learned the identity of Gary’s dad: Daniel Henry Collins of metro police. Rachel is excited about the girlfriend development but decides to hold off on the daddy news for now.  This daddy thread is a thoroughly complete dud.

Detective Louise Mangan calls to speak with the commissioner. They’re aware of the Ukrainian murder, the poisoning, the attempted kidnapping of Melissa and the dead Russian at Arina’s place. And they just learned Sergei the journalist died in Amsterdam. They need to know how it’s all connected but can’t detain Russians because optics.

Sidrenko holds a meeting for accountability. Miranchuk dropped the ball because he was banging out Maria. But he pulled off the Sergei poisoning (they switched out his water at the hotel). They admit they were framed for the Ukrainian Victor and decide to visit Ms Kelsey the woman on the business card to locate Arina and Gary.

Maria summons Miranchuk to tell him that Sidrenko knows there’s an affair. But she blamed Granat, a rival. Miranchuk sees this as opportunity to remove both Granat and Sidrenko so he can leave KB with Maria at his side.

Mangan and Rachel meet at Rachel’s house. They seem on good terms with common concerns for Gary and Arina. Gary and her abscond to a train station and part ways, she for Liverpool and him to a hotel. He wants to see Ms Kelsey about the cop that visited her (Knuckles told him after fixing her wiring) on the train Alina is approached by a man. Gary gets a call from Mom but books a hotel instead of going home to her.

So Gary’s roomie Jason was an unwitting mole of sorts and their landlord turns out to be Granat. A bit contrived, come on. Miranchuk kidnaps Jason to interrogate about Arina and Jason gives up everything regarding Gary. More contrived plot lube and pretty darn far-fetched.

Mangan learns from deputy commissioner Baker that the Russians think MI5 killed Smolnikov and that Arina has been apprehended by Russians. Gary visits Ms Kelsey and she texts him a pic of the dirty cop that visited her,

Chapter 32 is just a massive plot/expodump.  Miranchuk is summoned to meet Ivan Ilkun. The guy is FSB and wants to usurp KB with Miranchuk’s assistance. They want to kill Sidrenko and have Miranchuk kill Granat. Their knowledge of his affair with Maria is the blackmail to motivate him.  Miranhunk tosses Granat off his balcony and runs over another KB with his Range Rover.

Mangan tells the Commish about her meet with Gary and now the whole department knows. They know about the two dead Russians via Maranchuk. Maranchuk also gets a call from Ivan that Sidrenko has been arrested in Moscow. He’s also told to send his goons to a 3 pm meeting at Strand courtesy of their Met mole.

Spoiler!  This book gets super lame beginning with Chapter 37 and ending on the final page. 

Gary is intercepted in the men’s room at the Strand by one of the Russians. Then, ARINA appears out of nowhere to save him. Come. On. Then they start running, but Miranchuk suddenly appears and shoots Arina. Then he almost kills Gary but a bearded man (prob from the prologue crime scene that was referenced many times with no payoff) magically powers up to save Gary and rescue Arina. Then Mangan arrives just in time to whisk Gary to safety but also to glimpse the bent copper. This entire story worked so hard to organically weave all of these characters together, only to mash them all up into a grubby little implausible ball at the very end.

Three months later – still lame. Mangan has Gary come to the station to retcon all the plot holes. Arina is really Natalia, some Ukraine spy hell bent on murdering Smolnikov because he killed her father years ago. Victor, her Ukrainian helper, isn’t dead and is actually the mysterious bearded man that handles Arina. His corpse was apparently an Epstein Island fake.  The Ukrainians were here to kill Smolnikov, but also Ivan because he was involved in the murder too. Arina kills him with poison at Sunday communion.

And now a second epilogue because the first one wasn’t boring enough.  It’s 9 months later.  Mother Rachel is marrying Wil the plumber and the real dad story went absolutely nowhere.  Gary is now with his roommate Melissa and Victor and Arina are back in Kiev.  The stories that should’ve never converged can now go back to diverging.