NEVER SEND FLOWERS
Written by John Gardner & Reviewed by The Caretaker
Bond continuation novels have been a staple of the Crime Carnival’s shelves for decades. Yet even with the Carnival’s typical immaculate (but clandestine) recordkeeping, somehow this one slipped through the cracks. Let’s have a go, shall we? Better late than never. Quick mental note: Better Late Than Nowhere seems like a solid Bond title.
Anyway, our opening informs the reader that four people are assassinated. Some Italian general, two UK diplomats, a DCI deputy and then a fifth that was connected to Bond. And then a classic M chapter right away. A woman was murdered in Switzerland. Bond is called to M to meet with Grant and Chantry of MI5. Seems the deceased was an agent of theirs abroad. James is to sniff around the crime scene and retrieve the body. Grant seems skirmish and not forthright. Bond lands in Switzerland and wouldn’t you know it, Flicka, some Swiss woman that is hotter than their chocolate, is there to receive him.
Chapter three is an overly familiar template but fun nonetheless. This is the kind of literary junk food the Carnival needed. Are you listening Mr. Bell and Mr. Thor? Either be silly or be serious – but don’t be both! Never the less, Bond and Flicka eat dinner at a fancy locale and review the case. Seems Laura March the deceased had an older brother despite her files labeling her an only child. Her brother was David March, an insane criminal who was committed after multiple murders near Manchester. He died five years ago but Laura applied for his passport (along with her own) only three years ago. Curious indeed…
David the brother sounds like a serial killer. Death cert states he died five years ago of a brain tumor. Bond and Flicka go to the hotel where Laura stayed before her murder. They find a note she wrote to her “brother lover David” on hotel stationery that felt like a plant. While Bond and Flicka do what agents do, someone claiming to be a maid enters the room. A little far-fetched that last bit, but a solid typical Bond chapter. All the maid was missing was a blade that pops out of her orthopedic shoe.
Chapter five supplements four with another good chapter. In the AM Bond discover Laura’s letter is gone and accuses Flicka, before deducing it was the sketchy maid. They go to the crime scene where Laura was shot and some dude named Bodo debriefs all he knows, including some duck head-cane weapon as well as knowing Bond and Flicka are about to be taken off case which baffles Bond. They return to the hotel where Tanner and Iron Gerda (Laura’s boss) are awaiting them. They’re off the case.
Bond returns to a lashing from M who puts him on leave but also discreetly gives him the four files on the four deaths while he’s out. He goes home and gets an anonymous message to lose his MI5 tail and meet her at some hotel. It’s Ms. Chantry aka Carmel from an earlier meeting and she doesn’t care for her boss Grant. She wants to discuss their poor vetting of the deceased Laura Marsh as well as her ex-boyfriend, the great actor David Dragonpol.
Carmel tells Bond about Laura March. They eventually learned about the brother and that oversight fell on Grant’s shoulders. Then David D. broke up suddenly with Laura, though she seemed to accept why, but did not reveal the reason. She was despondent, then dead shortly after. Bond returns home where Flicka calls him to say she has new urgent intel. They arrange a meet posing as a married couple. Carmel is seemingly murdered in the meantime, likely by Grant’s orders.
And chapter eight is where the slide begins. We were tipped off with the non sequitur death at the end of the last chapter. So now Carmel isn’t dead. Some girl that looks like her is dead and Bond is the suspect via the local newspaper’s front page photo??? Anyway, he talks to some cop to clear his name, then goes to Laura’s funeral with Flicka where he sees a white rose with some note that’s convinced him all these murders are connected. Really disappointing chapter that muddied the plot and diluted what was a good story.
Nine is another rough one. Sigh, the flower they found could only have been grown by one person in the world. David Dragonpol’s sister!!! C’mon seriously…so, now for the love note Laura wrote that was stolen. First, we were meant to think she wrote it to brother David. Then we were supposed to think she wrote it to David Dragonpol. But now it’s actually for David’s sister because Laura is now bisexual. Another sigh. Then Bond calls David and this notorious recluse that has yet to be questioned about anything at all says come over and stay the night. Sure. Totally believable. What a terribly demoralizing two chapters.
Chapter ten is a lukewarm return to form via the typical lair chapter. Bond and Flicka arrive, they’re put in some nice room that just happens to lock from the outside. They wear formal wear for dinner. Bond thinks something is up and references an incorrect detail about a previous movie Dragonpol was in which the actor does not correct, leading Bond to suspect that this ain’t Dragonpol. They also find the garden bed of white roses from the funeral bouquet.
And then a typical “meeting the villain” chapter. They converse after dinner and Dragonpol says you can’t visit the adjoining tower because it’s unsafe and temporarily condemned. Then Dragonpol freely admits to being in each city just after each murder. The phones are suddenly disconnected and then Flicka notices silhouettes moving in the condemned big tower. Then a servant appears with a gun and says Dragonpol will see you now. Soooo I’m guessing this David is actually brother David? (The Carnival was wrong about this guess. Believe it or not, the truth is actually cheesier and more eye roll inducing.)
Very strong Man With the Golden Gun Funhouse vibes in chapter twelve. Our heroes try to escape in the maze of the castle and pieces of the museum exhibits keep getting in the way, alerting enemies to their presence etc. A fun concept for sure but it’s not really working on the page. Books are great and generally preferrable, but they’re no match for a movie when it comes to jump scares.
Bond and Flicka escape, they meet with Bodo again and he arranges some spy stuff in Milan, then they head to Lake Como. M is there waiting for him and it appears they were tailed by a man with a duck head cane. But who cares because fourteen is a heavy gibberish chapter. Flicka has been fired so M hires her? Then Bond is to be a tethered goat today to lure Dragonpol out in the open…even though they previously said don’t let him see you because he’ll change his plans? Typical act two to act three transitional nonsense where the whole book is now just prologue for some silly showdown. Oh and Carmel is 100% alive, as the stabbing was ultimately ruled a “misunderstanding.” That explanation is possibly one of the dumbest things ever read in a 007 novel and that’s saying something.
Carmel then randomly shows up and suddenly claims she was lying this whole time and actually knows Dragonpol better than Laura ever did. They arrange a meeting at the Duomo in Milan and it’s made clear she’s working with the man with the duck dead cane…which David is it?
A shootout at the Duomo for chapter sixteen. Oh boy it gets worse buckle up. David Dragonpol has a secret twin brother. Not kidding. A world famous actor but no one knew he had a brother? Anyway, David the actor has been a danger ever since he fell on his head at three. Daniel the twin brother handles public face etc. Gimme a break. But also he’s kinda weird, so likely this is yet another fakeout, and it’s really David pretending to be Daniel condemning David to exonerate himself. Jesus this book fell off a cliff.
Seventeen doubles down on the silliness angle. M tells Bond to take the week off with Flicka. They go to Athens, where M immediately says get back to London because the dragons are loose. Then Bond’s car explodes when the valet starts it. Turns out Daniel was really David. Yippee. And now he wants to kill Princess Di at Euro Disney along with her two kids. Just an FYI, we’ve started this whole new plot with like 10 pages to go. Good lord. Alas, Bond kills David with a flare on a water ride.
And now for one final middle finger to the reader. None of this Princess Di nonsense matters because Flicka somehow knew to go to Princess Di’s discreet hangout even though the press was all there, and so was Mauve (flower growing sister to Dragonpol) who intended to kill Di so she canceled the Disney trip. Piles of sawdust have more structural integrity than this plot.
Despite the thorough wretchedness of this story, the Carnival has one lingering question about this book. What was the point of Laura’s crazy brother??? For one notepad fakeout moment? There are 45 minute casino sequences in Star Wars sequels that are more pertinent to the plot. The Crime Carnival should’ve listened to our subconscious and understood there was a reason we never got around to reading this pulpy landfill.
